When it gets dark and wet you need to seek warmth and light

I have been having the most stormy time of late...I think I am stunbling and knocking people down in the process...I have come to a point in my life, my mission, my journey where I can not seem to let things roll off...I have been using the same coping method for years...my foolproof answer to a more positive attitude... When someone hurts your feelings or offends you...make up a story that makes what they did valid...like a neighbor is rude to me...I say to myself...oh she has had a terrible fight with her husband and is just venting...whether I am right or wrong I am happy...it has been my tool for as long back as I can remember...it worked.

In the past year...maybe a bit longer...time moves so strangely when measuring emotional and spiritual changes I am not sure when it started...it was so slow and subtle...but here I am...and I can still make up a story...but I dont want to do nothing and say nothing anymore...I want to confront...I want to tell people how I feel...I want to say HEY...that hurts...and I find that this new approach is not nearly as well received as the old method, and I am not really feeling happy or light with it myself...I want to always just tell a story. I know why I shouldnt...I know that I have to be more honest with people...even at the risk of them being angry, or hurt. I know I have to master doing this with the tender mercy of my Savior...and that is the part that is so hard.

It presses at me...not to be rude...it is not like that...it is to tell the truth...tell the truth about feelings expectations, voice my needs...things I was taught as a child were selfish and wrong...things I pray I have not inadvertantly taught my own children.

I pray about answers and have been working on this...and the road here is steep rocky, and the weather blustery ...and the visibility poor...I liked the other road better, slope easy, warm just a familiar easy trot...

I wonder now if I have gotten off course or if this is the path, however challenging, that will ultimately lead me to that elusive joy promised by my Father.

It is through the Savior, Christ himself, that we get through the bad weather...I am greatful for the warmth and light he brings me.

I am grateful for my children, and grandchildren who love me in spite of my shortcomings...and my friends who support and bouy me up when I need to figure out a problem temporal and most importantly spiritual...I am grateful for my job, where I am granted the rare privlege of still being a mom as I work...I go to teacher conferences, school plays, field trips and games. I am available all day to my family and can get tasks taken care of and chores done during my work time. I think working is hard...and even feel it a sin after some sacrament meetings:), but I know how I got this job, I know God's hand in it...so I will trust and be grateful...and when weak grumbly, but still so grateful that if working is what is in the cards for me...I have the blessing of still being a mommy to my children at home...and hopefully to the children beyond my walls, and their children. I am grateful for a home that I can afford and that offers shelter to many. I am grateful for a big room that can hold lots for dinner...I am grateful for prayer...and a knowledge of the true scope of this experience.

I want to be all that I came to be...Please be patient as I work through this new challenge...

Please know I can be a slow learner

Please do not worry about tears or a set jaw...this is part of the process to learn how to be honest with emotions and still being kind and loving...when I get it done...what a gift that knowlege will be.. in the mean time there may be a few messes, and I am beginning to realize that there may be some losses.

Thanks to all who love and support me...if you are reading this...you are one of them

Love to all